Mistakes and Choices

Recently I apologized to someone for something that I did that offended them. My apology was very sincere and earnest, desperate even. Anyone who knows me can attest to that because they will tell you that bare the thought of being the cause of someone's displeasure. I hate it. Whenever I realize that I have hurt someone else, I do whatever I can to mend my actions; often with these words: I'm sorry, I made a mistake."

And I wonder why that doesn't always work.

Then I realized that it wasn't a mistake - it was choice. I made a choice to act in a certain manner and it affected someone else in a negative way. If it was an actually mistake, an under-calculated, mis-judged act, an apology would be enough to set things right. However, one's choices, the knowing acts of man that define his character, are not mistakes and take more than an apology to set right.

For example:

I am a fairly mild-mannered person when it comes to the lives of other people. I am understanding and accepting and very rarely get mad at other people (this is of course not based on the recent events - but we are working past this little elitist-judgmental phase I went through). However, I am incredibly hard on myself and place a considerable amount of stock in my own actions. If I do not perform up to my own expectations, I become very, very upset. This used to just affect the lives of people I played sports with, but I have noticed it creep into all aspects of my life. See, in my own head, I was not angry with anyone but myself; disappointed in my own actions and discouraged that I have underperformed in front of people who deserve my best, my friends. But what they see is an angry young man throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get what he wanted.

In efforts to apologize for my actions, I have realized that there is only one way to actually ask forgiveness; TO NOT GET ANGRY. Easier said than done, but it really is as simple as that. I made a choice to act in a certain way; not a mistake, a choice. The only way to rectify that is to make the choice to reverse those actions and hope that a positive reaction follows. Either that or give up basketball, golf, entrepreneurial ventures, speaking, writing, singing, all financial workings, and marriage. At this point, I think it may be a toss-up on which will be easier.

Okay, add making jokes to that list too.

Who we are and how we act cannot be categorized as a mistake when we hurt others around us. These are our choices, this is who we are. So, when we hurt someone else because of who we are; we can either string together an ultimately meaningless apology for an un-existing mistake;

Or we can change.