Mistakes and Choices

Recently I apologized to someone for something that I did that offended them. My apology was very sincere and earnest, desperate even. Anyone who knows me can attest to that because they will tell you that bare the thought of being the cause of someone's displeasure. I hate it. Whenever I realize that I have hurt someone else, I do whatever I can to mend my actions; often with these words: I'm sorry, I made a mistake."

And I wonder why that doesn't always work.

Then I realized that it wasn't a mistake - it was choice. I made a choice to act in a certain manner and it affected someone else in a negative way. If it was an actually mistake, an under-calculated, mis-judged act, an apology would be enough to set things right. However, one's choices, the knowing acts of man that define his character, are not mistakes and take more than an apology to set right.

For example:

I am a fairly mild-mannered person when it comes to the lives of other people. I am understanding and accepting and very rarely get mad at other people (this is of course not based on the recent events - but we are working past this little elitist-judgmental phase I went through). However, I am incredibly hard on myself and place a considerable amount of stock in my own actions. If I do not perform up to my own expectations, I become very, very upset. This used to just affect the lives of people I played sports with, but I have noticed it creep into all aspects of my life. See, in my own head, I was not angry with anyone but myself; disappointed in my own actions and discouraged that I have underperformed in front of people who deserve my best, my friends. But what they see is an angry young man throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get what he wanted.

In efforts to apologize for my actions, I have realized that there is only one way to actually ask forgiveness; TO NOT GET ANGRY. Easier said than done, but it really is as simple as that. I made a choice to act in a certain way; not a mistake, a choice. The only way to rectify that is to make the choice to reverse those actions and hope that a positive reaction follows. Either that or give up basketball, golf, entrepreneurial ventures, speaking, writing, singing, all financial workings, and marriage. At this point, I think it may be a toss-up on which will be easier.

Okay, add making jokes to that list too.

Who we are and how we act cannot be categorized as a mistake when we hurt others around us. These are our choices, this is who we are. So, when we hurt someone else because of who we are; we can either string together an ultimately meaningless apology for an un-existing mistake;

Or we can change.

One singular sensation

For some time I have been intrigued with the powers held by people acting alone in their ideas. Whether for good or evil, the power of one remains a viable force in the world. The naysayers will say that no one man can actually change the greater whole, to which I agree on some levels. But to me it seems like the bigger picture, the greater purpose of life, is not to change the world at-large but to change yourself. Change at any level is difficult as is, but to change your own personal way of going about life in such a way that it alters your own personal nature; that is a monumental victory that cannot help but affect others for good.

The following story, as well as additional information can be found at http://www.pri.org/business/social-entrepreneurs/the-power-of-not-talking2059.html

In 1971, two tankers crashed near the Golden Gate bridge, spilling 840,000 gallons of oil into the waters near San Francisco. After seeing the environmental destruction wreaked on the San Francisco bay, John Francis "really wanted to do something," he told PRI's The Takeaway. "I wanted to get out and start walking." Francis vowed to stop riding in motorized vehicles, a prohibition that lasted for some 22 years.

Walking around the earth, Francis soon tired of the endless arguments he was pulled into. People accused him of trying to make them feel bad for riding in cars. Francis explained, "In my little community people started arguing with me about what one person could do." So Francis quit talking for the next 17 years.

The experience of not talking taught Francis the value of listening to other people. He founded a nonprofit called Planetwalker, was briefly employed by the Coast Guard and helped write oil spill legislation, was named a goodwill ambassador to the United Nations. He earned a PHD and taught classes without saying a word.

By staying silent and not riding in motorized vehicles, Francis also realized a more expansive definition of "the environment." He said in a talk to the TED conference, "environment changed from being about trees and species to how we treat each other."

The part of this story that impresses me the most is that Francis did not intend to start a global movement, he simply wanted to change a part of his life that, he felt, would be for the better. As a result of his actions, the world changed. There is still no global movement - the world is still riddled with problems, but the actions of one man have forced change. He changed himself, he changed his community, he changed me. And who knows, maybe he will change the 11 people who take the time to read this blog.

I really do think that is the secret to a better life: Do not try to change your surrounding environment. First change the way you think, the way you live and allow your environment adapt to you. It will almost always be for the better.